One of my mother’s favorite scriptures was, “I am thankful that I woke up this morning, clothed in my right mind.”  I have frequently pondered this as I have gone through many different seasons in my life.  Consistently, I have gone through bouts of depression, hopelessness, anger, and frustration.  I have looked around and perceived few if any, friends.  I have gone through more relationships than I care to acknowledge.     Through it all, I have blamed others, blamed myself, blamed my circumstances, and even blamed God.  Now, as I witness tragedies hit all around me and fill the news as it seems we are in a season of insanity, I must name my own issues.  Just today, reading the news, I saw that a disgruntled Walmart employee came to work and killed six people before he was shot.  A few days ago, a gunman entered an LGBTQ Bar in Colorado and killed 5, wounding dozens more.  A former football player shows up and kills 3 of his former teammates and wounds two others.  For college students who were savagely killed in Idaho, we still do not know who or why.   And all of this is just in the last few weeks.  Countless other mass murders, suicides, rapes, road rage, and racial, antisemitic, and homophobic attacks only fuel the increasing hot anger engulfing our nation.  

 

As I ponder this and my mother’s scripture, I am convinced that this rash of cruelty is directly associated with various traumas, mental illnesses, and untold stresses.  The last three years of Covid, RSV, Flu, inflation, political unrest and social disruptions have put gasoline on simmering fires.  The multiple sources of pain have become so universal that many have accepted this as the new normal.  But, I wonder, have I been part of this normalization as I have for decades ignored my trauma, displacing, internalizing, externalizing, or projecting onto others, circumstances, and just plodding on?  Looking back over my life, I see the many seasons of pain as I have gone through drug addiction, suicidal episodes, depression, anger, the people I have hurt, relationships I have destroyed, and mistakes I have made.   Finally, I realize that I must admit -I also suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.  PTSD, which goes back decades, has been continually denied by me.  Yet, I cannot deny how my denial has only aggravated it.  Perhaps I acknowledge that mental illness is real, and I suffer from PTSD.

 

Over the past couple of months, I have been confronting my PTSD, accepting it, not ignoring it.  Seeking counseling, nor burying it.  I cannot change my past, but I no longer bear the shame of hopelessness.  I no longer fear the stigma of mental illness, and I no longer harbor the guilt of my past. 

 

As I walk in this new season, I own my past, but I do not allow my past to own me.  In this new season, I will no longer hide my mental illness but will not give in to it either.  Instead, I will channel my anger, frustration, and stress into positives rather than negatives.  I will enjoy this life and each day celebrate and proclaim, “I am thankful that I woke up this morning, clothed in my right mind.”  

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